truth_is_cold

078

[Public | Audio]

Deal with this however you deem necessary. I don't care. I don't have any information that I can give outside of a functioning warden item and the assurance that there is still food available. What I do care about is that the people demoted, some of them worked hard to get there.

I sometimes have doubted my abilities as a warden, but I don't doubt that my inmate needs me. That as an inmate, there were intolerable conditions that no one should have to go through. And it wasn't the torture of alternate histories, it wasn't a lack of food or necessities, it wasn't the conflicts that we had to rise to. It was the indifference. We were disposable, we knew we were disposable. Many of the wardens here- new wardens that fought their way up from that -that gave their own lives meaning again rather than just hoping that they would find a permanent death.

They have to stand here and be told that was for nothing? Just because they know it's hard. Just because they have to look at their inmate and face the same odds that they faced, they have to be told that they don't deserve what they earned? These people are not punch clocks. None of us were.

Most of us had some warden that believed in us, even if it wasn't our own. So those of you that were demoted that worked hard to get here, those of you that feel guilty and worthless, or remotely incapable, this judgment is absolutely false. If you have it in you to disagree with any of this insanity, that's just as flawed. And to the current Admiral, I think you know it as well as I do.

[Spam for Ben]

[Rhade knows that Ben needs him, and he's not got the capacity to do any bridge raids. So it's Ben's room that he goes to next. He thumps on the door, and has a look either way down the hall.]

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[Mark claps. Not sarcastically, but because Rhade's summed it up better than anyone else has yet.]

Thank you. I think we all needed to hear that.

It certainly isn't meant gently. These are the victims of mental assault, rape, debilitating injuries, the loss of entire civilizations, and being failed by the people they loved most. And they have still survived, and there's nothing I find more admirable. Those can be impossible odds.

[Ben's breakdown has been slow and subtle, but it's there. Subtle because it's not, really, trauma although it is a trauma reaction; he was more upset by coming back from being a mermaid, another life full of things like happy and normal and choice stuffed into his mind with no context and no place for him to keep it, so he rejected it and hid behind what he knows.

Problem is what he knows is what's been happening and, while he's seen others with experience with prisons in their world discussing it, he hasn't joined in. He's become more reserved, more wary, and while it wouldn't be noticeable when compared with quite a lot of the passengers aboard the Barge, to someone who has been there from the beginning and watched him climbing painstakingly out of Manticore's grip only to slide back down, well.

It's difficult to convince him to drop the ma'ams and sirs again; he referred to himself as 493 not two days ago, a designation he hasn't used in months, even if he corrected himself to Ben almost immediately. This is a storm, and Ben knows how to weather it, knows how to tie down everything that can be hurt and keep it safe for when the danger has passed.

He's not familiar enough with the linguistics work going on under the Coordinator's supervision to join there; he's doing the best he can in the kitchens, diligent and efficient now that he knows what's expected; the art room is off limits to his siege mentality; increasingly he moves only between his cabin and the kitchens and back again. The only way he can contribute is with violence, and while he isn't particularly concerned about Zero, he has no desire to end up there because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

And so he is here, sitting cross legged on his bed, when he hears the knock. He can smell that it's Rhade, even if he hadn't become more than familiar enough with his stride, the way he knocks, to know.] It's open, sir. [He unfolds his legs, moves to stand and falls into a loose attention stance. The gifts he's been busily rearranging again and again the past months have all been packed under the bed or away in the dresser, out of sight, except for the three books that haven't visibly moved in days next to his bed.

The walls are clean, but on the underside of his wrist, just above the cuff of his field jacket - the old one, the safe one, his armor - there's still a very faint "Du" where he hasn't been able to wash off the ink yet.]

[Rhade enters and puts his hand on Ben's shoulder. He notes everything is missing, but chooses not to remark on that part for the moment, or the glimpse of writing on his wrist.] Come on. We're going to the art room. Get out your music player.

[Ben had started to respond to his warden's frequent physical contact, somewhat awkwardly, but with more readiness than the first time it had happened; he stands unyielding beneath his hand now, and blinks slowly at the words.

He'd started to argue, too, to question; as clearly as his array of blank, neutral expressions ever conveys anything, this one is showing that he clearly doesn't understand why the art room or the music player are relevant. Nonetheless he turns and drops to a crouch, retrieving the player from its new place.]

Yessir.

There have been musicians through the ages that have told stories through music, but not always with words. Some have chosen to use instruments alone, and many composed them on the piano.

So we're going to think about some stories. I know you're a fast learner.

[He starts out the door, for the lift.]

[Ben is only further confused by the path Rhade's monologue, and though he follows at speed without hesitation, he's reached a point now where he's willing to risk speaking out of turn. It wouldn't work with anyone else, maybe Aya, but with Rhade it does. Even so he's oh so very careful, so very neutral.]

I'm always interested in new lessons, sir, but I'm not certain this is the time for this particular lesson?

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People may believe in you. Wardens never will.

The deals they have they would kill for. They would redeem someone, fine. But they would also drag someone down if that's what it took, or step on whoever they needed to. When you're saving a planet, you can justify that to yourself.

Then if you don't want to trust a warden, do it yourself.

I don't want to graduate.

Then you're only proving this Admiral correct.

It's not the standard one. Take control of yourself while you can.

I like this Admiral. We have a common enemy.

You're wrong. I can't speak for everyone, of course, but I've faced that decision before. Destroy one innocent man, save civilization. And I was tempted, I can admit it. I was so tempted. But the thing is, if you make that kind of deal with yourself, if you build your dream on a foundation of treachery, it'll never be stable. And then afterwards you've got to live with yourself knowing that all the grand ideals you did this terrible thing to protect are poisoned anyway by the very act of trying to protect them.

You'd rather know you could have saved a civilization but didn't? Could you look the people you decided weren't as important in the eye and say that?

I didn't say I gave up on saving civilization. I just didn't cheat to get there. It took a bit longer, yeah, but the quick and easy path wouldn't have lasted in the end. The New Systems Commonwealth wouldn't have survived if I'd built it on a lie.

It's a luxury. Being able to serve the greater good and also keep your conscience clean.

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'Ow do you even function with your 'ead that far up your arse, dead man?

I weren't 'ere for any bloody deal. I'd already given it away. I can save planets off me own bat, thanks.

...Thank you Rhade love. I don't feel guilty, as it 'appens. I'm just really pissed off.

[But she's also enjoying herself. Because she has a really big problem to help solve and people she loves to help solve it with. This is like Iris' normal life come to the Barge.]

I understand what Arthas is doing. He's had his will influenced once, and doesn't want to do it again. The last time it happened he caused widespread destruction. So he's concerned that the Admiral could eventually convince him to make similarly destructive decisions, regardless of how inmates here turn out.

I suspect someone else doubted your abilities then; no offense.

I'm pissed off with 'is attitude an' I'm pissed off with bein' told I'm a time-server that's only 'ere to use people to get something I want. Our impostor already did that once, I don't need it from any bugger else.

...I get you. None taken.

He has been here longer than any other inmate, and he comes by his cynicism honestly. However, if he's so set in the attitude, he is also the only on that can firmly say that he won't make the same mistakes again. That includes becoming so obsessed with resisting the Admiral that he would make equally poor arrangements.

Edited 2013-03-29 10:36 (UTC)

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You're a good warden, Gaheris.

And an angry one. How are you?

Hey, sometimes angry is good, too.

I'm holding up. Kind of missing having my own bathroom, though. Mind if I crash at your place for a while?

You were demoted? You? The pinnacle of everything the Commonwealth was striving for?

...What do you feel guilty for?

I feel guilty for...probably more things than I can name. And most of all I feel guilty because I'd do it all the same way again if I had to. Mobius. Witchhead.